"Today is the day to be happy, not to cry!" -idk
Of course it's not invalid to cry in graduation days. We are talking about the day when different strings of feelings are attached together, forming a great majestic ball of mixture between happiness, reliefness, sadness, uncertainty-ness, looking forward-ness and much more.
Rojak sounds delicious right now. Kidding.
So, previous week, I was entirely sure that my mom wasn't coming to see me on this day because of the reason I think might be better unknown. No, my mother was really agitated that she can't see me, I can tell she really want to be here real bad. But unlike impromptu "sudden" hang out you had in college, some things really need a lot of effort to work out even though it was planned, though it was a last-minute plan (what can you expect?) Enough fancy words. Basically we were hesitant as the SOP clearly stated that parents aren't allowed to come along. What would you do? My family is good citizens, we are lawful good, we are under assumption that coming along would bring me next to none point at all.
My expectations was bland, as bland as the tasteless tea I consumed this morning.
Then my sister call. She bring along my mother. Thank goodness the closed window in my room held me back from yeeting to the sky and beyond.
We stayed overnight at Bangi Resort Hotel. Which brings me to the second point, childhood memories.
Bangi Resort Hotel was once known as Equitorial Hotel, a legendary hotel that houses my entire family during my brother's convocation in UKM on 2007. It become quite a talk, also sort of debate among us on which is which hotel did we stay on whose is whose convocation. At first we were not sure if the place we stay is the same one that we stay 14 years ago (since the name isn't same, you see,) but upon entering the entrance, nostalgia came flooding in (and my mom too) like a big wave.
My mother started recall memories of booking 3 separate rooms since all 6 of us are coming here, and how her 2 weird sons soaked all night in the bath tub, meanwhile me? I think that shiny pole opposite the service counter seems familiar.
Typical me. *shrugs*
During my childhood years, I can recall how excited and happy I am everytime we were out from home and went into a hotel for vacation. I, was the most expressive of all. 9-years-old me would went all over the place in the hotel lobby, smelling things (haha) and enjoying every single sights the world has to offer. But today, 23-years-old me only afford to reminisce and it pangs me with sadness how my family aren't even complete anymore.
The next day, on the so called historic day, I just realized I'm wearing a kurung with the exact same color as I used to wear attending my brother's graduation. Coincidence? Idk.
I wish I can share pictures of my brother's graduation because of how relatable it is to how the situation right now. Same place, UKM, same color of clothes, green, etc. But in 2000s, there's no cloud storage at that time and no backup files once your old laptop were ruined. Maybe my brother do have his own backup storage of the pictures, idk. I hopefully wish he did.
How does my mother feel having 3 UKM alumni among her children? Almost like Safferi's children were destined to be and graduated from UKM.
But anyhoo, UKM indeed feels like home. I can't recall the moments when I feel homesick there, or if I wanna go to my hometown real bad. Somehow I can counter it. I would be lying if I say there aren't some instances here and there, but all I can think of now is all the positives, and I think that's all that matter, and that's how everything has been treating me for the past 4 years.
"Don't study for me, study for yourself." My mom used to say that. But I know deep and buried down in her heart she has another wish too. She would like to witness all 4 of her children enter menara gading. First it might seems like she wants to prove real bad that her children are not failures, and fullfiling it was not easy of course, but I'm grateful enough that she gave me liberty on choosing what I want to study. At the end, that's all that matters.
During the convocation ceremony, right when they play the first verse of Varsiti Kita, suddenly tears formed in my eyes. Of course I am professional enough to hide it(lol), and nobody even notice it, but the tears did formed and I was subtle enough in brushing it off. I also don't know why would I cry at such an upbeat song haha. Probably the song hits me somehow somewhere. It feels so nostalgic. It made me recall this 4 years journey, and made me question "Am I never coming back here again? Did the 4 years just finished today?" that kind of feeling.
Probably I was hit by realization because we never got to spend our last year well because of the pandemic. We never got to experience our last year with ourselves properly. I think that's why I was so sentimental all of the sudden. But to think how the batch later than us faring, I am grateful enough for all the times I had when the pandemic wasn't hit us yet.
When my turn to collect the scroll came, I was sooo nervous, I walked really fast and can't think of anything else.
My sis screenshot this after I blackmail her haha kidding kidding.
What would you do after the ceremony was over? Photoshoot time, of course. But with the limited resource provided by the world which every single breathing humans often complains were never enough — the time — it won't allow me to take photos with all my dearest collegemates.
Here are one that the time allowed me.
I am sooo happy to receive tons of congratulations wish from my contacts, my current coworkers, former usrahmates, matricmates, juniors and the list goes on. I didn't expect to receive so much love after what you can call my 'gloomy week', I am quite consoled and grateful for all the gifts God sent to me in the form of loving people into my life.
At first I (kinda) expecting a bouquet or something when my family fetch me (I would be realllyyyy lying if I say I don't expect anything, don't try to lie to yourself, no no,) but it wasn't like "I WANT THE FLOWERSSSSSZZ" kinda wish but "If I get then I get it, if I don't it's okay," kinda wish. Yes, I really mean it, why you giving me the look?
Anyway my fam didn't have the chance to get one, so it's okay. My overly rational sis attempts to console me by saying flowers can't make you full lol.
Words and wishes are enough. I don't need anything else. It already made my day. Words can't describe how extremely thankful I am.
But hey, guess what? I got a surprise from my coworkers. They sent me bouquet of flower through foodpanda. I was beyond shocked.
"I am learning to appreciate the smallest of things."
To my family, my mother, who is very strong for going through a lot, you are my biggest inspiration of all. I am who I am today thanks to you. No act can even repay for what you did, but we will always try our best though it's super tiny compared to yours. My siblings, my sister and my two brothers, they are also my inspiration for me to achieve my ambitions, a good role model despite a unique bond and interaction that we had. Despite all the verbal wars and heated debates. Else, our house would be so quiet and still and dead like a graveyard.
To all my faculty friends, classmates, coursemates, there's a lot of them I don't think I'm able to list down one by one. I don't know if you are comfortable with me sharing your names here publicly or not because I seriously considering that. Sharing your names is so flattering of course but I chose not to because I'm overthinking what if some of them are uncomfortable and prefer to be private? haha. Of course some of them would be fine but idk. Someone please train me how to socialize real quick.
My usrahmates, khatibahmates, kakak usrah, thank you for filling my day with deen and unexpectedly broaden my circle more. I got to know many friends from different faculties, college, even different universities. Everyone is already set on their own journey, but cheesy quotes coming, memories will remains.
Also the softball team. All of them. Thank you so much.
